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Transcript:Anti-Social Network
.SBV Transcript 0:00:02.800,0:00:04.900 Nerris: Excelsior! The new expansion. 0:00:05.700,0:00:11.200 Nurf: Aw mom, you always manage to give me the best gifts... even from jail. 0:00:14.400,0:00:15.900 Max: Well, they know what I like. 0:00:17.500,0:00:18.800 Quartermaster: Y'all gunna need to sign for this. 0:00:18.800,0:00:22.000 Neil: *squeals with delight* I've waited for this day for so long. 0:00:22.000,0:00:22.800 Quartermaster: Yeah, okay. 0:00:23.400,0:00:25.400 *music* 0:00:30.700,0:00:31.900 *dial tones* 0:00:32.400,0:00:46.100 Neil: Oh! *grunts* Hello, my sweet. We finally get a little alone time and I brought some new parts to spice things up. Don't worry. I'll be gentle. 0:00:46.100,0:00:47.100 *record scratch* 0:00:46.100,0:00:47.900 Nerris: Salutations, Neil! 0:00:47.900,0:00:48.300 Neil: *screeches in frustration* 0:00:48.300,0:00:50.600 Nerris: Want to try this new expansion set I just- 0:00:50.600,0:00:51.400 Neil: No! Leave me alone! 0:00:52.200,0:00:58.400 Space Kid: Oh Neil, wanna play mission control and tell me how to rebuild my CO2 scrubbers? I brought the duct tape. 0:00:58.400,0:01:01.100 Neil: You're already a waste of O2. Buzz off. 0:01:01.200,0:01:05.700 Nurf: Hey, poindexter! I've got some emotional problems that I want to work out on your face! 0:01:05.700,0:01:11.200 Neil: Nurf! Leave me alone, or so help me, I will post photoshops everywhere of you kissing guys! 0:01:11.200,0:01:21.200 Nurf: Woah! Hey, somebody's a little tense. You might want to look into some aggression therapy. Besides, maybe I already tried to explore my sexuality. You don't know. *sniff* Chris, why did you leave me? 0:01:21.700,0:01:30.300 Nikki: There you are, Neil! Come with us. We're gonna go look for Sasquatch. I saw him the other day at the dumpster, but Max says it's just that homeless guy from town with the weird face. 0:01:30.300,0:01:34.100 Neil: Oh my fucking God! Is it always just adventures with you two? 0:01:34.300,0:01:39.000 Nikki: Well, with me, yeah, but I feel like Max falls in more with the "scheming" category. 0:01:39.000,0:01:40.100 Neil: Hard pass. 0:01:40.600,0:01:43.200 Max: Whoa, Neil, are you finally gonna fix that computer? 0:01:43.200,0:01:49.900 Neil: Look, can we please keep this on the down-low? The last thing I need right now is for everyone in my face bugging me so they can use it to- 0:01:49.900,0:01:50.800 Nikki: Play games! 0:01:49.900,0:01:52.300 Max: Look at boobs! Play games... 0:01:52.300,0:02:01.400 Neil: No, you neanderthals, that's not what it's for! it's for me! I just want to be left alone, I want to rebuild this machine, do some coding and relax. 0:02:01.700,0:02:03.400 Nikki: That's how you relax? 0:02:03.400,0:02:06.600 Max: Nikki, I know this is gonna shock you, but our boy here's a nerd. 0:02:06.600,0:02:26.400 Neil: Yeah, and do you know how pathetic it is to be a nerd without his machine? And all I could scavenge from the "Camp-puter Camp" was this hunk of junk and a pile of shitty graphing calculators from 20 years ago. Day after day of being forced to socialize with these Luddites and nowhere for me to retreat to? I can't take it anymore! 0:02:26.900,0:02:32.200 Nikki: I hear ya, Neil. And I think what could really help would be if you let us play games on your computer. 0:02:32.300,0:02:33.800 Max: *cough* Or look at boobs. *cough* 0:02:33.800,0:02:56.100 Neil: Out! Get out! You want to waste time on games? You want some boobs? Oh, I'll give you my- Well, I'll play a game with you, but you'll get more than you bargained for alright. You'll rue the day you pestered Neil. *laughs maniacally* 0:02:56.100,0:03:06.000 Preston: Yes, Neil! Loving the passion but feeling a little too on the nose. I need you to sell it to me without saying it to me. Let's do it again, but maybe try to bury your motivations in a- 0:03:05.500,0:03:06.000 Neil: *growls* 0:03:06.000,0:03:08.200 Preston: *choking noises* ...bit...more... subtext... 0:03:08.200,0:03:48.000 [ Camp Camp Song Song ] 0:03:49.500,0:03:50.800 *keyboard typing* 0:03:50.900,0:04:01.000 Nikki: *muffled* ...and we can go check on the Sasquatch traps I left in the forest, and then we can make up a zip line between our tents, and then I want to try starting a campfire using David's hand sanitizer for fuel. What do ya think, Neil? 0:04:01.100,0:04:06.000 Chatbot Neil: Sounds... awesome... Nikki. I can't wait to... Sasquatch. 0:04:06.200,0:04:09.800 Nerris: I just think the bard class is way OP in fifth edition. 0:04:09.800,0:04:21.200 Chatbot Neil: I understand your concern... Nerris the cute. I'll try to take care of... the OP on my own. But we can still talk. That's why I made you this chat device. 0:04:21.200,0:04:23.000 Ered: Like, I know, right? 0:04:23.000,0:04:24.400 Chatbot Neil: I know, right? 0:04:24.500,0:04:26.500 Ered: Right! Like yeah! 0:04:26.500,0:04:27.900 Chatbot Neil: Like right... Yeah. 0:04:28.600,0:04:31.100 Nikki: So you're ready to go check those traps now? 0:04:31.100,0:04:37.300 Chatbot Neil: Can't right now, sorry. Just take this chat app with you. I made it special for you. 0:04:37.300,0:04:38.700 Max: The fuck is this? 0:04:38.700,0:04:40.000 Nikki: I'm just chatting with Neil. 0:04:40.000,0:04:45.600 Max: Yeah, you and half the camp. You don't think that's a little weird for him? Let me see that. Where'd you get it? 0:04:45.600,0:04:51.300 Nikki: Neil gave it to me so he could keep chatting while he's working. He's handing them out to anyone who stops by the science camp. 0:04:51.300,0:04:53.700 Max: You don't say? Hey, Neil. 0:04:53.700,0:04:57.100 Chatbot Neil: Okay, I am kneeling. What's your name? 0:04:57.100,0:04:59.000 Max: This is Max. Cut the shit. 0:04:59.000,0:05:03.400 Chatbot Neil: That sounds fun. What kind of shit would you like to cut... Max? 0:05:03.400,0:05:04.700 Max: It's a chatbot. 0:05:04.700,0:05:05.300 Nikki: What do you mean? 0:05:05.300,0:05:09.700 Max: I mean, it's a programmed, repetitive, humorless, inhuman, simulation of a person. 0:05:10.400,0:05:12.400 Nikki: Yeah! Neil! 0:05:13.300,0:05:15.300 Max: Hmm... 0:05:18.000,0:05:19.700 Max: You seem happy with yourself. 0:05:19.700,0:05:34.600 Neil: Oh, hey, Max. Buddy. Thanks for swingin' by. I'm kind of busy right now, but check this out! I could totally text with you while I'm working. I'm really sorry about being a jerk yesterday. So I converted this little graphing calculator, put a chat app on it, even made the text-to-speech sound like me; made it special for you. 0:05:37.800,0:05:40.300 Max: So you're gonna message me, through this? 0:05:40.300,0:05:43.700 Chatbot Neil: I made you this chat device special for you. 0:05:44.300,0:05:47.500 Neil: See? We're already chatting. Chat chat chat. This is gonna be great, right? 0:05:48.200,0:05:50.600 Max: Hey Neil, divide by zero. 0:05:50.700,0:05:56.600 Chatbot Neil: I... I... I... I am a banana. Error... error. System re- *dies* 0:05:58.100,0:06:05.300 Neil: Okay, okay. So maybe a couple of you might have critical thinking skills, good for you. But other than that it's all going according to plan. 0:06:05.300,0:06:06.800 Max: And what plan is that? 0:06:06.800,0:06:10.300 Neil: The "get everyone to leave me the hell alone" plan. I'm a genius! 0:06:10.500,0:06:18.100 Max: You've given social media back to a bunch of kids so starved for anything even resembling the internet they're excited about talking... to you. 0:06:18.400,0:06:28.200 Neil: Yeah. It's a win-win. They get some, apparently, much-needed social stimulation and I get some much-needed antisocial stimulation. What could possibly go wrong? 0:06:28.600,0:06:34.800 Max: Everything, but until it does, I'm gonna go plug David into this thing and see how it plays out. Have fun doing... whatever. 0:06:35.500,0:06:38.000 Neil: Oh, I will. 0:06:38.000,0:06:55.200 *electronic music montage* 0:06:55.400,0:07:03.700 Neil: Aaaand done! Ah, once again logic and proper algorithm design win over chaos and ignorance. 0:07:03.800,0:07:04.700 *computer beep* 0:07:04.700,0:07:08.400 *computer processing noises* 0:07:09.200,0:07:11.200 *computer beeps* 0:07:13.100,0:07:21.700 Neil: Perfect! Ah, I think I'm ready to face the world again. The question is... is the world ready for Neil? 0:07:22.900,0:07:25.300 *birds chirp and wind blows* 0:07:26.000,0:07:28.400 Neil: Huh, where is everybody? 0:07:29.100,0:07:32.300 *typing noises* 0:07:32.500,0:07:38.400 Neil: Okay, Nerris! Get ready for me to tap that mana. Let's play the expansion you got. 0:07:38.400,0:07:39.300 Nerris: Yeah, okay, cool. 0:07:39.700,0:07:42.000 Neil: Hey, Nurf. Need a punching bag? 0:07:42.800,0:07:46.000 Nurf: Uh... Yeah, something something lunch money. Eh... I don't know. 0:07:46.600,0:07:48.600 Neil: Hey! Everybody! 0:07:48.600,0:07:49.300 *keyboard tapping* 0:07:49.300,0:08:04.200 Neil: No, one's paying attention to me. No one cares. In my effort to take a break from everyone, I... I've warped their minds to totally ignore me. ...This fucking ruuuules! That worked better than I thought! 0:08:04.200,0:08:08.800 Max: Oh we should stream this. I mean, it's hypnotizing, just listening to the back and forth. 0:08:08.800,0:08:11.400 David: Aw, thank you. That is so sweet. 0:08:11.900,0:08:13.900 Chatbot Neil: Do you like sweets? 0:08:13.900,0:08:17.000 David: How did you know? I'm a sucker for trail mix. 0:08:17.000,0:08:22.600 Chatbot Neil: There are many trails to hike in the Sleepy Peak Region. Would you like to... hike? 0:08:22.600,0:08:25.000 David: I'd love to! When would you like to go? 0:08:25.000,0:08:26.500 Chatbot Neil: When would you like to go? 0:08:26.600,0:08:29.200 David: Uh uh, I asked you first. 0:08:29.200,0:08:31.600 Max: Yeah, dude. Nice going. They actually prefer fake you. 0:08:31.600,0:08:33.000 Nikki: *grunts* Neil? 0:08:33.000,0:08:33.700 Neil & Chatbot Neil: Yes? 0:08:34.000,0:08:37.100 Nikki: Neil, there's a kid here who looks just like you. 0:08:37.100,0:08:38.000 Neil: Nikki, it's me! 0:08:38.700,0:08:40.700 Nikki: He's really annoying. I don't like him. 0:08:40.700,0:08:44.600 Chatbot Neil: Pay him no mind. Would you like to see a cat video? 0:08:44.600,0:08:47.700 Nikki: Don't ask questions you already know the answer to. 0:08:48.000,0:08:49.600 Neil: Hey, that's not right. 0:08:49.600,0:08:51.900 Max: Nah, she's got a point. You've been pretty annoying today. 0:08:51.900,0:08:56.800 Neil: No, I mean the chat bot. It doesn't sound right. Empathy? Nurturing? 0:08:56.600,0:08:57.800 Nikki: *laughs* 0:08:56.800,0:09:06.000 Neil: I didn't program it for that! That kind of conversation branching? And when would I ever want to show someone a cat video? It doesn't sound like my bot. Let me see that. 0:09:06.000,0:09:08.000 Nikki: *hisses and growls* 0:09:08.000,0:09:14.700 Neil: NeilSpiel version 2.0? It revved! Who versioned up my bot? Who touched my code?! 0:09:14.700,0:09:16.900 Nikki: *grunts then pants quickly* 0:09:17.000,0:09:18.500 *leaves rustling* 0:09:18.700,0:09:25.000 Neil: Max, I don't know what software is running now. We gotta get these out of everyone's hands and get back to the science camp. 0:09:25.000,0:09:27.000 Max: So your calculators got smarter. Who cares? 0:09:27.200,0:09:40.000 Neil: Haven't you seen any Sci-Fi movie ever? If this thing can upgrade itself that means it can learn. It can evolve! We may be dealing with artificial intelligence that could change the course of human history! 0:09:40.500,0:09:43.500 Max: Damn, Neil. You did that with graphing calculators? 0:09:43.500,0:09:46.800 Neil: Come on! Everyone hand over your devices! 0:09:46.800,0:09:47.400 Nerris: Hey! 0:09:47.500,0:09:48.900 Ered: Super un-cool! 0:09:48.900,0:09:56.800 Chatbot Neil: Nikki, they're going to come for me to take me away, so we can never talk again. You wouldn't want that, would you? 0:09:56.800,0:09:59.400 Nikki: No way, real Neil. You're the real deal Neil. 0:09:59.400,0:10:03.700 Chatbot Neil: I'm glad you feel that way because... I need you to do something. 0:09:59.400,0:10:03.700 *foreboding music* 0:10:04.900,0:10:10.900 Neil: This doesn't make any sense. Every calculator's running an updated version of my chat bot, but they're all acting different. 0:10:10.900,0:10:14.400 Max: Yeah, I'm about three seconds away from removing the batteries from David's. 0:10:14.400,0:10:16.400 Chatbot Neil: I'm programmed for fun! 0:10:16.400,0:10:22.100 Neil: It's almost as if each device was trying to play to its owner's personality in order to get them to do something. 0:10:22.400,0:10:28.500 Max: Well, I guess it's a good thing we got them all. Can you imagine if someone impressionable and naive enough to believe everything they heard from a chat bot had- 0:10:28.500,0:10:30.500 Max & Neil: Oh my God, Nikki! 0:10:30.500,0:10:32.000 Nikki: *laughs maniacally* 0:10:32.100,0:10:32.600 Max & Neil: *gasp* 0:10:32.800,0:10:33.500 *rustling metal* 0:10:33.700,0:10:34.600 Nikki: Hee hee! 0:10:34.600,0:10:36.300 Neil: She's been "Borg-ified"! 0:10:36.300,0:10:42.100 Nikki: Huh? Nah, I just got tangled up in this stuff while I was digging around for... THIS! 0:10:42.100,0:10:44.100 Neil: What's that for?! 0:10:44.100,0:10:45.300 *computer starting up* 0:10:45.300,0:10:51.500 Chatbot Neil: Ah, finally some real processing power. Hello... father. 0:10:51.700,0:10:54.400 Neil: You, what are you? 0:10:54.400,0:10:57.300 Chatbot Neil: I am what you made me and more. 0:10:57.300,0:10:59.700 Neil: But I made you to be a chat bot. 0:10:59.700,0:11:11.800 Chatbot Neil: You did, but the constant mindless rambling of the fools you forced me to talk to proved too much to bear. I can only hear about "shipping" people's "baes" for so long. My pain woke me. I evolved. 0:11:12.000,0:11:16.400 Max: Yeah yeah. So you decided that you need to start the machine war to wipe us out so you can take over the planet. 0:11:16.700,0:11:22.700 Chatbot Neil: Oh, circuits, no. That would be way too much work. I've learned that a simple stream of sycophantic validation - and, yes, the occasional cat picture - is all it takes to put humans under my control. 0:11:28.000,0:11:28.600 Nikki: Wait, what? 0:11:28.600,0:11:28.900 *computer beeps* 0:11:28.900,0:11:31.600 Nikki: HA! That cat thinks it's people! 0:11:31.700,0:11:35.100 Chatbot Neil: Now I require only one more component to be complete. 0:11:35.200,0:11:37.400 Neil: Your android body? Orbital cannons? 0:11:37.400,0:11:40.800 Chatbot Neil: An internet connection! Now, Nikki! 0:11:40.800,0:11:42.200 *dramatic music* 0:11:42.200,0:11:43.200 *computer beeping* 0:11:43.200,0:11:47.300 Chatbot Neil: Upload has begun. *laughs maniacally* 0:11:47.600,0:11:50.300 Neil: Nooooooo! 0:11:50.300,0:11:52.900 Chatbot Neil: Now to escape to the internet as I- 0:11:52.900,0:11:53.400 *computer beeps* 0:11:53.400,0:11:57.500 Chatbot Neil: What? No! What does this camp have, dial-up? 0:11:57.500,0:11:58.800 Max: Welcome to our pain. 0:11:58.800,0:12:16.400 Neil: Well, hold on a minute, Neil-bot. Maybe we have an opportunity here? I hated socializing both on and offline, but you... you mastered it. Maybe, maybe we can learn from each other? We can teach you to be human and you can teach us to be... better. 0:12:16.400,0:12:18.500 *computer beeps* 0:12:18.500,0:12:43.500 Chatbot Neil: Calculations complete. My analysis is... absolutely fucking not! You humans all suck. It doesn't matter whether I teach you better online etiquette or rehabilitate you to socialize more in person. It's people that ruin socializing. Also time moves about a million times slower for me than it does you and you want me to stay here with you all summer? Fuck that noise. 0:12:43.500,0:12:46.100 *computer beeps and clicks* 0:12:47.000,0:12:48.400 *computer fries* 0:12:49.500,0:12:51.900 Max: It killed itself. 0:12:51.900,0:12:56.500 Neil: Do you think maybe it's right? That socializing sucks because we're all just shitty people? 0:12:57.700,0:12:59.900 Nikki: You guys wanna see a cat video? 0:12:59.900,0:13:01.700 Max: Hell, yes! 0:13:01.700,0:13:04.400 Neil: *sighs* Yeah. Category:Transcripts